im up early bc my sleep schedule is pretty messy right now. i got some texts from my crush that woke me up. shes traveling right now and sharing pieces of her trip with me. im grateful for that ^_^ more pleasant way to wake than ive had lately. lots of stress dreams or calls i dont want to take or responsibilities i dont want to touch. or messages from ppl who i want to avoid. wehhhh. i feel a heaviness in my neck and shoulders - likely related to my physical therapy and chronic pain but it invokes a tiredness in me that follows me even after sleep. im going to smoke a bit of dope and see if it mellows me out and then pour a bit of my brain into this txt file. standby...
so, my household is planning on taking a tolerance break soon. we're not gonna smoke pot for a month or so. this is good for us, honestly. i've been smoking steady for years. thee last time i took a tolerance break was the winter i first moved to chicago in 2021-ish. finances were a little strapped as i handled a lot of necessary expenses with money from my desk job i was working at the time. its kind of an unbecoming and dare i say consumerist habit, now, in my eyes. i like being high, i like that i can substitute it for drugs that might kill me. i also think that, since legalizing it - going into a building that used to be a bank where they keep the dope in a vault and having to show them ID to get weed packaged in trendy packaging that is marketed towards demographics - it all feels a bit rotten. i miss mid, man. i miss smoking shit that my dealer insists is sour deisel but it clearly is not. i miss feeling kinda paranoid about smoking! idk. i guess the tolerance break is gonna give me a minute to breath and figure out my fuckin priorities. ill miss it very hard though. here's to hoping i don't divve too hard into gbptn or smth else as we go on x)
ive been encouraged to want, again, by my partners. i dont often feel like i can - because i chose to leave the workforce and rely on them. (they encouraged that too, but im still the onee who did it. idk.) with money stuff especially i worry. but ill name some of my wants, i guess, if only to keep track of them. i want my hand tattoo - the snakes and text. im going to keep the idea vague until its on my skin. ive been looking forward to this though and to know they would support it when we can, it feels really nice!!! =w= id like to get my own dj controller at some pt, and an audio interface for the doll's guitar so i can stop recordding thru my jank bluetooth speaker aux setup. id like to travel, to see my favorite dolls in the PNW, and to see qts in eastern europe. maybe even someday to share a meal with my friend in malaysia. id like to get my nipples pierced at some point, but i have a deal with the doll that we would go together (and it would get its bellybutton pierced :3). electrolysis would be cool, too, someday. and a bigger want, i guess, a more haunting one - one that i ddont really want to admit beccause it might hurt to take a leap on. getting bottom surgery. ah uhhh hang on lemme talk about fucking rq
lately while fucking, ive been getting off more to having my perineum massaged. it produces a sort of gender euphoria, it feels like im getting fingered, i guess? i can really get lost in that and it's been demanding of me that i imagine what bottom surgery could be like. i really do think i want it at some point. i think i mmight have to move somewhere where healthcare is supportive of this sort of thing but i cant really tolerate the idea of living in the PNW right now. it gets complicated. honestly with attention on me while fucking lately, sometimes i feel a bit split, like i cant really engage with having a dick to begin with. just part of me though. it makes me relish getting my partners off, more, to keep the attention away from me. idk. i've had a couple of "stop fucking i need to weep" moments lately and i really think the whole bottom dysphoria thing has finally caught up wtih me. trying to divine if this is just an obsessive thing or if i should be pursuing a different path. shit like this makes me consider SW again. gah
i also need to get a divorce. when big dog finishes their grad program and starts working, it might disqualify us for state benefits. i need to be on state benefits or my healthcare costs would ruin me and my loved ones. i think that means we need to divorce. ah. im looking forward to a lifetime of exxwife jokes, bc i know they aren't going anywhere and we are going to continue loving each other as we have for nearly 12 years. its funny though. "the old ball and chain" is now in favor, comedically, and this is ordained by the stars. or something. im scared about getting on disability for fear of the govt turning me to mulch but also having my own steady income, even if small, would be lifechanging.
its hard to rely on others (she says, living relatively comfortably on the generosity of her partners).
i got dumplings with big dog the other day from my favorite dumpling spot. we ate them at the park at the beach. steamed pork and dill dumplings, hot and sour soup, scallion pancakes, phoenix buns, and sesame balls. it was doughy and so fucking good. all of it. at one point big dog launched my phoenix bun out of the container on accident and then meticulously peeled off the skin so that i could still eat it. i really adore theem. they care for me deeply. last night they cut my hair and painted my nails. they dote on me sort of how they dote on our dog and it makes me feel a bit like their dog, too. im not quite sure how to process that, but it feels comfortable and loved &heartsss
juniper, our dog, has been really affectionate lately. shes getting older and more ornery, but the fact that she wants to cuddle up more often and begs for pets, it warms my heart. its been a treat to see her open up to affection over the years. i love her.
the doll has also gotten me out to the beach to see a lot of the same old scenes. if you've read my other entries you get the idea. its a lovely little routine and i adore our talks when we do this. she understands parts of me that are hard to explain. i can quite literally *feel* her pour intention into her devotion to me. it fills me up. the sky sings for us, we smile at each other, i make her shrink, and lean on me. our magic is crystallizing before us, a bit. i love you.
ive felt heavy for my bestie lately. shes going through some heavy circumstances and i cant help but fret a bit. i get to hang out with her later and i am going to cherish it. i hope i can help lift her spirits a bit, and comfort her. we are going to listen to the new manapool and maybe some other stuff. we love music!!! we lovve each other. we are gonna fkn make it
thinking of my crush. i dont want to bother her too much while shes visiting her sweetheart but its hard to not want to paw at her for attention. a gravity i felt early on in that relationship has effectively pulled a lot of things toward an inevitable center. sometimes i well up with feelings abt her, abt her affection for me, and abt her situation, abt our ability to see each other, and dont really know who to turn to. i appreciate those close to me that listen to my nearly obsessive thoughts when im able to get them out x)
its tough out here for t4t yearners
ive talked a lot but. heres some rapidfire media recs i guess. listened to some older tunes - panda bear's albums tomboy and person pitch. also been listening to the new genital shame single. thee music video is cool. i checked out her album chronic illness wish well, per recomendation from bestie. the writing was a bit veiled sometimes, but contrasting that with the more clearly stated songs it felt like a really cool juxtaposition. i watched kamikaze girls which now stands as maybe one of my favorite movies!! what a ride, what a treat. i redownloaded ac6 because i crave a game that i can listen to music to while i play it. tbh i crave an mmo. theres a twow reboot server launching in a couple days and im sooo tempted to go play. i shouldn't though. i should keep making art. the other night i listened to music for an hour and drafted a piece in my practice notebook. the alcohol markers i used bled a lot so i need to do it on better paper. bestie had made me a journal with very thick pages and they encouraged me to draft in there, so i will end up doing that until that lil journal is full. this is surely a better habit than mindless grinding in an mmo, right? hahaha ((god i miss the constantly evolving social dynamics of groups in mmos))
ok. ok i gotta walk the dog before bestie comes over. time to get moving ^_^
