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i almost wrote a journal entry yesterday but i think the tone of the entry woulda been drastically different than today's. this is to say: i had a very nice day, and yesterday i had a bit of a miserable one, at least as the day went on. i guess maybe ill lead with some heavier stuff just so that anyone reading this (including and especially myself) doesn't have to carry that with them after closing this entry lol... yesterday started really nicely. i woke up early to voice with someone who i've been excited to spend time with one-on-one and we talked for a couple hours. it was a joy to hear her voice and to pick up on tone that i otherwise wouldn't over text, and a joy to hear her talk at length about truly anything! a conversation about one of her relationships lingered in my mind after our call, though. it made me consider my own relationships and confront some feelings that had been simmering for some time. as the day went on i felt myself withering further into myself thinking about how i sometimes feel like a roommate to my partners, how it compounds with my disability/need for care, and how i miss romance and activity out of the ordinary routine. these + being in pain from an exaggerated immune response from sunburn last weekend, pain flare and associated limp, having a bit of a mood crash from a lapse in progesterone, and my standard host of plague neurotics culminated in a meltdown in front of both of my partners, expressing how i was distraught and why and a bit incoherently trying to get into it with both of them when it may have been a better conversation to have 1:1 with either. whoops :p this meltdown kinda consumed the rest of my night much to the dismay of either of my partners who mighta wanted to help. i got a black and mild about it, i guess. lol. later on i got belligerently high with some gabapentin and a big STINKING bowl and had to figure out how to handle someone coming on to me who i dont exactly reciporicate with. i was flattered and toyed with her a bit but ultimately just wanna be friendds for now, not that its that actionable. i think it went ok. i also couldnt really function. oops. by the end of the night i was barely coherent in kemoverse chat and had to escort myself to bed.

prior to this meltdown ive been caught in the same undertow i usually am - feeling doom about my disability and covid precaution, pessimistic about my own brain and capacity to do create, do, and be - crushes and friendships having their own turbulent ups and downs - general alienation from gender/socioeconomic status/disability. i think ive been really tapping my foot waiting for physical therapy to start so that i can finally start pairing this medication with something useful. at the moment it feels like i just exhaust myself using muscles im not used to using because of the baclofen. i want to improve my capacity to do things like go to shows again more regularly, walk places further than my normal sphere of influence, hike better. idk. maybe im just waiting for an excuse to really push myself, or maybe i will never get there and its cope... either way im antsy for a change in my ability or my thinking. this is definitely heavy stuff dgmr but this is about the extent of it. i think if i started unpacking it all here it might be counterproductive and paint me into too much of a mire to ever wanna show this blog to anyone again

since the rave ive had a couple of outside times! both of my partners have each taken me out at least once. big dog took me out to a park along a river that we've been exploring all of the areas of, and it ended up being a long string of parking lots connected by access roads. kind of boring! i did see an eviscerated snake and also us and the dog got to experience the heat island effect of parking lots in real time. isnt that fun ^_^ thee doll and i went to the beach and caught what might have been the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen. its fucked up, its always on a mundane day that this kind of thing happens, its really what i love most about the mundane though i think! like, the ability for the mundane to flip and turn into something extraordinary. i caught some really nice pics of this as well.

we also went to the beach for big dog's birthday last weekend, like i think i mentioned above. i was so so so so nervous about it. i havent really been swimming in public nor have i had my own bathing suit since starting transition like 7 years ago. we went suit shopping a while back and i got a leopard bottom and black top from two different sets (how it feels shopping as a clocky bitch). my partners got new suits, we got a beach umbrella with pompoms, and then big dog loaded up on snacks and stuff for us to host with a few friends on the day. there ended up being sooo much fucking food. we set up a table and some chairs and towels, brought the dog, and let our friends slowly trickle in. it was hot and windy at the beach and very very crowded. we watched a fleet of sailboats sail northward on the lake and ate food and drank and laughed and smoked. actually quick sidebar - ive been quitting smoking and been really good but last week we ALSO got hotpot (MY FIRST TIME IT FUCKED SO SEVERELY) with a friend who was coming to town to record with their friends band. they brought big dog a birthday gift and me a pack of chinese cigs that OF COURSE i had to smoke. darling little cigs btw. just absolutely precious pinners - like virginia slims but with colored filters with aeration and a subtle sweetness like a black and mild tip. fucking. so good. SO YEAH thank you visiting friend for the smokes and for pulling us to do hot pot - it enriched the experience. i am excited to do it again, and excited to get dim sum as well. BUT anyway back to the beach - it was so great! i only applied sunblock once and paid heavily for it. since i have two healing tattoos rn as well as a healing helix piercing i did not swim at all, but i hung out and played skill toys with bestie and chatted and watched over the spot and the dog (who got really scared about bugs and fireworks). i also chatted with some of my trivia team members about how trivia felt ass this year and for a few years on account of chasery dudes and random cishet guys. i think we might do a schism. more on that to come i guess. after the beach hang died down, big dog invited their friend from work over to watch some football (my polycule and some friends have been really into it but not my thing). i enjoyed playing music for everybody and getting to know big dog's work bestie. killer day thank you big dog for having birthday beach blast!! MY SUNBURN WILL HEAL BUT THE MEMS WILL STAY FOREVER!

despite some turbulence with some online friends, ive really been enjoying my online relationships lately and have been feeling very enriched. im glad peeople like chatting with me. i like sharing music and stories and gossip and art. i like getting to know what makes people tick. ive been lucky to be meeting people not just through kemoverse but also through some online communities im in. im inspired! im woozy and full of love! im engaged!! thank you for talking with me, new friends and old! AND THANKS AGAIN TO HOTPOT FRIEND FOR THE CIGS

today, though, we recovered hard from yesterday's meltdowns and off the rails drug abuse moment. i woke up to flowers from the doll, my favorite kind, marigolds. it had gotten up early and gone to the florist to apologize and express its love this way. i got up and talked things through with it until we were both feeling as copacetic as we can following heavy stuff, and then did the same with big dog after they got home. doll and i walked the dog to the corner store and back, and then i put on music and spent almost all afternoon/evening in the living room chilling with my partners. we listened to a lot, some of which ill share later, and big dog drew, the doll watched football and streams on silent, i chatted people. lovely time!! bestie also came over to top the night off and showed us their new nail art. we sat and giggled and talked and it topped off my tank wheeeeeeeeee. im grateful for the folks super close to me too. especially. always. you truly have the power to turn my dday the fuck around, any time.

lately ive been playing exclusively games made by trannies or furries. i think this is how i have to move from now on. the toxic yuri VN jam just finished and ive been reading the mentally ill tranny version of chicken soup for the soul (im even mentioned in the credits for one of them! my friend shouted me out in her game and shes very talented!!). here are some that ive read so far that stand out: RXTARDXXXMARTYR, HEARTTROPHY, and antipersonal-convictions. ill be reading many more i suspect, have a bunch downloaded, but since this was a record breaking vn jam with nearly 500 subs its gonna take me some time at the rate that i read lol. shouts out kemoverse u changed my life. also shouts out project silverfish, ive been having a lot of fun re-encountering design elements from stalker that stimulate exactly what i like out of games that provide intensity with contrast in calm and hectic gameplay loops. ive also been playing atlyss with some friends here and there! good for zoning out and chatting and listening to music to. speaking of music, lately ive been really liking tekflip and slayr and 203249318_09132005. in fact, im so inspired by a 203249318_09132005 song that im feeling myself pushed closer to making music. i keep amassing resources but being too cowardly to make the first move. someone come make me play chicken with a daw until i kiss it? :pleading: :woozy: i also finished shimeji simulation just in time to start tsukumizu's newest project and to catch up on candy and whip and some webcomics id been sleeping on (what happens next).

ok thats all it feels a posi place to end it and i wanna smoke pot and drink my drink i got at the corner store earlier and chat with international bitches on my computer byebye for now