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im like soooooo full of mango lassi right now im like immobilized by mango lassi actually. im laying in bed listening to light rain and basking in the afterglow of the rave that we just wrapped up in kemoverse! for what was posed as a casual event, it ended up being quite involved but the efforts of those involved culminated in something really awesome. it felt like a DIY show in someone's dingy basement. we were literally on some "boiler room: kharana campus" shit. the dev and some helpers went hard on decorating and the djs crushed it. the audience was so fun! honestly the game feels like such an extension of a real life social space. its made me feel nervous just by proximity to other players! when the first dj was up, ppl were leaving a wide berth in front of the booth just as you would see irl with any live music event. sure enough, it just takes one or two ppl to gather near the front and people redisperse more evenly hahaha. there were a couple discordant social moments but i think those give the high points of the event more luster. im a little troubled about what prompted some of these interactions, but mostly i just want girls to be okay, and to get along. i loved watching folks take pictures, i loved sneaking some digital psychs, i loooved watching them dance. wah. im grateful to have been able to been a part of it, and to have attended it!

i was pretty nervous about preparing for this event actually! i didnt even perform live, in part because i wanted more control over my mix and to add in some extra stuff and map it to visuals BUT also because i was nervous! i really wanted ppl to enjoy it and feel like my own taste in dj mixes and experience in radio gives me a very good idea of just how amateur i am. i impressed myself though! so grateful to bestie for lending me her controller and am proud of myself for learning to use it. i think i wish i had been a bit more polarizing with track choice, but people mentioned their speakers being fucked. i guess the noise musician in me clawed her way back up lol. looking forward to being involved in one of these again though, i def wanna keep mixing ^_^ digital djing is a looooot more fun than analog (and way less xpensive).

working on the dj set, practicing mixing, recording, recording visuals - that all consumed the hell out of me. i spent the last couple weeks almost unable to do anything but chat, keep my normal routine (vomit scented challenges), and this. (sidenote, im glad i feel like i can listen to other music again that isnt explicitly music geared towards a specific theme. yayyy.) i really didnt wanna let anyone down with it, the host of the event, the other djs, the audience, and especially myself. in the end i made something i didnt hate and had an exercise in letting myself be an amateur that all felt very helpful and made the time spent immersed in this process very worth it. bestie lisstened on her train trip and told me she felt inspired by it and that really means sm! i hope we can make something beautiful together. i feel that way about a handful of ppl rn actually. as my capacity and wellbeing trickle back i want deeply to create with people.

im also looking forward to learning more guitar now that i have a moment to not be so absorbed with djing. id like to take a stab at age of information or perhaps a taraneh song, both of which feel like styles of guitar i havent touched yet and probably challening! i was also working on cherry picking but holy shit cherry picking is haaaard hahaha. i can also take some time to finish jakarta method and wretched of the earth. might even make that amv i was mumbling about too, idk. i also have an offer to make good on, i have to sew that cow-girl's tail back together. the one i met at the beach a few weeks ago? we went on a walk. she was nervous, a bit awkward, but nice and we had a nice walk. i havent spoken to her much at all but when we were on our walk i told her id sew her ripped tail. i also wanted to make kandi for some other special ppl in my life.

outside of these things ive been really absorbed in all of my relationships again. it feels nice to rely on people like this, and to have such steady conversations. realizing how hard i isolated especially in 2025 and regretting it. im glad ppl are welcoming me back, and glad im getting to make first impressions not from the depths of my pit. if we talk regularly, you mean a lot to me, and i spend a lot of my day thinking about you. these things arent mutually exclusive, i care for people who i talk to rarely of course, some quite strongly!! but the people i talk to often are held in the front of my mind. idk if its a "normal" way to think or not, but i obsess over relationships in that way. i love feeling pulled in the different directions of the people in my life. i love learning what makes them how they are. i love you.

ive felt like ive been caught in an alligator deathroll for like two months. its really awesome though like trust >:3c