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last week, despite feeling not super up to being outside, my partners dragged me out to the beach for a dog walk. the wind was a bit biting and winter was holding on with the last of its strength, but it was just nice enough to be out. the walk itself was satisfying and finally finding a bench to sit at was a relief. as we sat there getting comfortable and chatting i noticed the silhouttes of my bff and her partner, my friend in the distance. i made my intentions clear and set off to stalk my prey >:3c i walked quickly, along with b and our dog, to go try my best and scare my friends. it didn't work, lmao - the dog gave us away because she was so excited. we sat on their blanket with them for some time and caught up. i pulled flower petals off of clover one by one. i watched my bestie throw crazy yo-yo tricks while we chatted with her partner who was recovering from a cold. it was a good coincidence to run into them, because bestie had just gotten us matching phone charms. they've even got a bit of a nana stink to them, which is fitting and akin to the prior phone charm i had from her (a nana shrinky dink). downright healing visit and nice to see our friends a bit further away from home than usual!!!! ^_^

i made pozole for the first time the next day. the rituals of preparing my body to cook fill me with a satisfaction that almost compares to doing my estrogen injection. washing, tying my hair up, gathering the tools i'll need for the recipe - it builds excitement in me when i am not completely overcome by pain. the mindset has shifted a good bit, too, which helps. the pozole was really good for my first go! i think next time i want to use a fattier cut of meat and also more chiles de arbol because it was just barely not spicy enough. im really proud of the doll for trying it out (and enjoying it) and im happy i was able to share some with bestie too :3

i finally recorded a cover of headache that i don't hate. i played it fine but god my recording setup is so busted dude lmao. i've got a bass headphone amp plugged via aux chord into a bluetooth speaker. at BEST its all mids, and then im recording that with my phone using the voice memos app. ITS SO BUSTED. AND STILL!! im happy with my cover! i picked up so many city sounds during the performance - fireworks, my dog barking, the sound of the fan, truck sirens. i think it gives it a lot of life. it reminds me of old lofi/bedroom pop stuff that i used to fuck with a lot and if thats what im getting across in my nascent stages of being a guitarist, im cool with that. i havent really shown anyone because im still a bit bashful about it, but you can ask if you wanna hear. im not quite sure what track i want to learn next, but im excited to keep growing.

bestie lent me their dj controller and im finally putting my paws to the grindstone. radio jocking is a much less involved and structurally sort of different type of performance. it's given me a really solid base of skills and an ability to pick music to fit any sort of vibe but it also allows me to see clearly how much room i have for improvement. the skill ceiling for mixing like this is so high, and i have a bit of practice to get in before i feel i can express myself in the ways i'd like to. im super exciting to be learning though, and doubly so at the prospect of putting together any sort of visuals for the set. many ideas ricocheting around rn. watch this space

yesterday i went on a hike with my partners and dog. we drove out to a spot in b and my hometown and took a short loop around a lake before sitting ourselves at the water's edge. b and the dog waded and cooled off, while the doll and i took photos. we saw a red winged blackbird who flew quite close. the doll has been telling me how territorial they are, that her friend got attacked by one recently. im kind of daring them to try. seems like a thrill :p im not exactly antagonizing wildlife, but if it happens, so be it. it was a treat to play music in the car for everyone, to get donuts from my favorite donut shop. we also got some dad weed for free from an unnamed source. we came home and smoked it and let our tired bodies rest a bit. we just got a copy of "Again, Harder" by Alice Stoehr. excited to wrap up my current read and dig back into some tranny scandles. excited to live them, too.

my hips and shoulders ache. im not feeling doomed about it. i feel fulfilled, and grateful, and very, very satisfied. maybe corny but it feels like im alive, or that the pain is proof of my living! admittedly im maybe pushing myself a little hard lately but that comes with its own reward. the satisfaction of being, of doing, of creating n loving!! i hope my growth makes me a little more pliable than i have been the past half decade. i hope that the pain i have now continues to feel like a life lived. i hope i can further realize my desires and act upon them. i hope i can feel small again. also i hope i settle this auntie trauma dude lmfao alright peace