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about a week ago i chewed through some of the anxiety that was keeping me from taking my new medication regularly. i took a baclofen and asked b if we could walk in the woods, thinking if i put some momentum in when starting a dose i might be able to have a decent time instead of feeling melty and sluggish. it was a very lightly rainy day and all of the flora felt super verdant and saturated. i wept in the car ride over listening to why by you are an angel, but was feeling relatively grounded when we arrived at the trailhead. the ticks are really bad this year so we loaded up ourselves and the dog with tick repellant and got to walking as the rain pattered on our heads. maybe 10 minutes into the walk i realized that the tension in my jaw and neck were gone, my legs felt heavy but working better than they had in years, and i felt greatly at ease. we walked off-trail a bit to check out some plants and toppled or hollowed out trees, as well as saw some deer sheltering from the rain. i was really proud to have identified 3 grackles we saw feasting in some tall grass. the dog was a bit of a pest, weaving her long leash in between b and i and eating sooooooo much grass.

after some scuffed tags and a decent couple miles we made it back and i reflected out loud on how hopeful this was making me feel for the treatment to come. it was beautiful to be out in a capacity not too different from my life half a decade ago. as we drove back home we saw a young lesbian couple standing in the rain at a bus stop. one of the girls grabbed the other by the cheeks and leaned in for a kiss, leaving the one being kissed quite surprised. it felt like such a beautiful way to seal the revelation from the events of the afternoon.

im thinking of girls who are seeing their body, life, and way of being reflected back at them during intimate moments. im thinking of how it changes them, how it makes them find more love for themselves and others and how illuminating it can be. im thinking of girls who feel safe being honest about what they want, and how that empowers them. im thinking of girls who trepidatiously inch their toes in the direction they want to, but are scared to go in. im thinking of how it feels for these girls to pick themselves back up. im thinking of girls actually. go figure lmao

feeling hopeful and inspired, i spent a lot of the week following my little revelation going on more walks than usual, and longer than usual. i really started to feel it by the weekend. in the gaps between doses, it felt like i had been working myself a bit too hard. this, combined with nausea that accompanies the early doses of baclofen, combined with feeling slow while trying to play guitar or do anything that requires a bit more fine motor attention is having me temper my expectations just a bit. i think thats probably healthy for me. i still feel more equipped to handle flareups of my pain better than i maybe have, ever. i dont feel a diminished hope, but having expectations that wont demolish me when they crumble to the pain and entropy has seemed to serve me the best in the long run. it makes me feel grounded.

there was a prom event in kemoverse over thee weekend. it was early afternoon for us, and the doll and i logged on to get randomly assigned a date and hang out enjoying music with some new friends. the host was buzzing about decorating and the other attendees seemed to all be having a nice time. i was happy to see the dolls old mixes get played and listening to maple's new album with everyone was a super light and carefree time. the energy was a bit infectious and i hope the girl celebrating her birthday at the same time could feel that! it was a very cute event and right up my alley ^_^ my gears are turning about what sorts of mixes i can plan to get these critters moving

i feel hungry not only to return to parts of my life that ive missed but to explore into new ones. im enjoying learning guitar so much and have been writing more now than i have in a long time. i feel inspired to paint but i killed my only markers and pens so i need to get to finding some new ones, or making a mop. ive found a bunch of music this month to round out some hollow spots in my library and ive felt engrossed in the pursuit. its fucking awesome. im a good ways into shimeji simulation and it feels like the perfect time in my life to be reading it!! im hungry to take care of the home im hungry to cook im hungry to talk to ppl im hungry to create aAAAAAAAA.!! i hope i can keep carrying this feeling for a while longer.