...

its sunset and im at my desk. im listening to cover the windows and the walls and im kind of high. i feel restless, like i need to walk to the lake, but ive spent most of the day caught up in bed. i woke up in a lot of pain and took a baclofen, only to return to my nest. ive really been struggling to process this change - not only having a prescription to a medication that i very well could end up abusing, but also having access to something that can ease pain in such a profound way compared to other medications ive been prescribed over the last like 7 fucking years. yesterday i was also in pain, and so i broke through what had been a bit of fear about taking anything to begin with. there is some sort of shame-based cop bullshit lodged deep in my brain that i am really embarrassed about thinking, and something i dont think i could put on somebody else. its always easier to be cruel to yourself, i guess? anyway, i was calling myself lazy in a roundabout way, i think.

i was imagining what others might think of me in the state i was in - hazy and sedentary, doing nothing in particular at all except existing and glancing paws with sleep. i imagine others thinking less of me, thinking of me as frivolous and irresponsibly dependent on my partners. i was crawling into a similar hole i have many times in my past, one where i am resigned to hiding out of shame for the way i live, or the way i think, or the way i am. at the same time, i felt muscles loostening that i had not felt relaxed in years. i took stock of my pain and it was lessened. the music i was listening to was comforting me and the sun peeking in through the curtains warmed my skin. i was comfortable in a way that i felt i did not deserve. as soon as i reflected on my feeling of shame and the logic that i "don't deserve to feel comfortable" i got sooo so sickened with myself. i wept. what is so wrong about wanting to feel good, and loved, and comfortable?

im thinking about taking hikes with my new friend to take photos and getting morose about how limited my ability is compared to when i was younger. maybe this is unnecessary doom, though, right? i will start physical therapy and maybe even gain back some of my ability to live. after all, the doctor said some of my problems might even be reversible. i just need to manage my expectations, alongside my healing. its easy to flinch and despair, thinking of the limited capacity of nowhere girls to care for each other. im determined not to let that rule how i live, though. i have hope that i can survive to see a future where my trans sisters, especially the ones who wear burdens heavier than a lifetime, have chances to thrive, to be supported, and to live less hindered. its why i need to keep living.

ive been getting regular music recommendations from friends ive met online in a kemono themed social game called kemoverse. i have a lot to say about it, so much that i don't even know that i want to dwarf the rest of my journal entry with it. perhaps sometime ill talk about it at length, but its become pretty important to me! for a lot of reasons, ive felt inspired and curious - and seen. the music recommendations have varied - i was surprised to get recommended the underbed from my old radio show, and found some mellow house-adjacent stuff from a different user. ive also gotten some noise recs, which i truly didn't expect here, but has made me feel all the more welcome. there are some interesting little critters in this world, and im lucky to share it with them.