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i feel pretty twisted rn like pretty disoriented and not sure how to feel because im feeling a whole lot! last week was really hard. i have been consumed by fear of how my body feels when shit gets bad and have been stuck worrying about how much worse it can get. its been making intrusive compulsive thoughts a lot worse and i have been wrapped in a shroud of fear. i was so stressed that i couldnt engage with anything. i had an MRI, only shortly after a visit with another doctor. the last time i got imaging with contrast done it hurt pretty bad, and i was afraid of that happening again. it didnt really hurt this time, though. i actually was stuck imagining a piezo michrophone snuck into the test, ripping me to shreds. i coudlnt help but want to record the industrial noise of the machine. it was really powerful, even though i had on ear plugs and over ear headphones. i stared at a fleck of red on the inside of the tube for about 30 minutes while strapped down, lost in thought about how it got there. the test resulted in not much. i learned today actually that shoulder MRIs are often worthless!

a couple days later i was devastatingly depressed, wishing i could be someone else, stuck on everything and feeling like i was about to get more bad news - unable to carry on. i went on a walk to the ccorner store to get out of my house bc i dont really have any privacy - no bedroom of my own i just float between my partners. bought cigs. went to the beach. sat on a concrete bench built into a little hill and stared at the lake. i start to cry, im listening to pageninetynine, im smoking a cig, im moody as hell... suddenly a beautiful girl with 2 tone copper and teal colored hair (she called it oxidized copper) appears in my vision, squatting and looking up at me. i take off my headphones and ask what it said and a voice from behind it goes "type shit" and i see ANOTHER beautiful girl, referring to my meltdown and water staring. they have a friend with them who had kept walking when they had stopped to say hello, who later came back. i wish i could post their names, because they were perhaps the most unique and yet so decidedly transfemme names ive encountered in maybe ever. i was so captivated by them and completely stunned out of my episode. i immediately start asking them what theyre up to and they sit, their third comes and joins us, and we share whats in our bags with each other, i help them ID their rocks that they combed off the beach, we swap stories. at one point the copper haired girl handed me a dictionary that was in its bag and i started annotating it by circling words with a pen (with its permission) - kind of did a stream of consciousness word assocciation type vent in there... idk if that was 2 much. it didnt open its dictionary to check. eventually a local girl wandered by in cow ears and a tail and we coaxed her to come sit too. it was really so so nice i cried about it a lot later that day. i got all of their contact info and am excited to have maybe made a friend in the local cowgirl. transwomen are always apparating exactly when i need them to - like the doll who called me beautiful and shared a cig with me downtown after a nightmare time at work, or the girl that fell asleep on my arm on the rushhour train. t4t is so fucking potent. its so radiant. im so lucky. today i saw a specialist who ive been on a waitlist for for about 2 years and she was a hot and stern older lesbian who touched me in ways no other doctor has (located the places where i actually have pain, was extremely light but also firm enough to puppet my body, in places that were almost compromising) which did insane things for a girl who has a medfet thing but also im normal bc i have to be bc its been years of waiting for this appt but this woman in chelsea boots is both validating my symptoms and grabbing the top of my ass but im normal bc i am normal. anyway she diagnosed me with a bunch of different things related to hypermobility and referred me out to other specialists for other shit and confiirmed that there is a suite of my problems that can be helped with a very specificc kind of PT aaaand i am not sure if i can be relieved or wait for a punch bc im so used to getting that at the doctor so im like aaaaaaAAAAAA :) i feel like its gonna be a long unraveling of every expectation and nightmare ive had about my body for years. at least i hope? im tentative to get too excited about anything before i see growth and changes with the treatments and medications ill be starting. ooaoahhh