im pulling myself out of the proverbial muck after a hot 24 hours away from home last weekend. big dog and i went to play in the world's largest trivia contest with some old friends of ours while the doll stayed home to watch the dog. being in the car has been really fucking hard especially in the last few years and a long trip like this during inclimate weather made for a tough go!! during some parts of the drive we couldn't even see except for a fraction of a second after the windshield wiper passed. it was SERIOUSLY storming but wheen the storm broke we were greeted with very lightly populated highways and beautiful views of the sunset contrasting against the massive stormclouds.

we pulled up to the event where everyone had already been drinking for 3-5 hours and were welcomed quite warmly. i typically feel kind of at odds with a lot of this old friend group of mine, especially because they all seemed to drop off the face of the earth as i really started transitioning and my life started getting way harder. i was able to summon fondness and forgiveness for the sake of this event, though. the point of the contest is to be playing trivia for an entire weekend, but since i was only going to be there for a day or so i focused on catching up with people i hadn't seen or spoken to in a couple years, or in the cases of a few people, in about 10 years. it was nice to hear about folks and to socialize in a lighthearted and alcohol-lubricated way. i havent been drinking booze the last few years so i was a bit of a lightweight, but that didnt stop me from winning a few games of hammerschlagen or spending a long night chatting up folks i missed. i kept having to dodge this chasery motherfucker who, at my last time participating in the contest, was accessory to a situation wheree my ex was being annoyingly transphobic and scolding me for shit. dude was approaching me for hugs when nobody else was getting them and being "REALLY GLAD" that i had showed up. he like negatively imprinted on me i s2g, i spent thee rest of the night and the following afternoon just trying to duck this mf. we got to crash at our friends' place, where they own the house they used to rent. the downstairs is kinda cavernous and eempty asidee from a couch and a record player. at night, the trees out in front of the house cast delightful shadows from the streetlamp, and in the morning the bottom floor glows. im really happy for them, that they have a place to live that is their own, and that they seem to be taking to it with love. it makes me really happy, even if i myself might be a little jaded that thats something ill probably never have.

tranny gang

as we were getting ready to leave the next day i ran into my fucking ex like literally as i was going out to smoke a bowl before getting on the road. she managed to jam pack our brief conversation with some transphobic comments and reassurances about why centrism works????? lmao. it sucked, but i didnt collapse! im proud of myself for growing beyond my super anxious tendencies, and especially stoked that i went and socialized. i got back from the event and was hungry as hell for more socialization and have spent the last few days depleted of all of my energy and craving being seen, talking, and socializing in such a way. in some ways it feels like nursing my wounds, but i think there is a deep psychological one that is harder to heal. i miss being a party girl. i miss being around people in such a capacity. i miss the carefree and lighthearted socialization i used to take part in and honestly, even if it was coming from chasers, i miss having people's fucking attention! coming home has felt like returning to my haunt.

lately when i get stuck ideating i think about how one even haunts a place. i dont really believe in ghosts but i think you can use the energy of your death to capture a sort of negative legacy, one that can indeed turn a place haunted for the living who knew you, or of you. i hate that i get stuck thinking like that but i really cant help it a lot of the time. i wonder if ill ever return to a life surrounded by friends in that capacity. i guess i hope i do, because im not quite ready to give up yet, but god if i dont find myself chewing on steel every time i linger too long on how my life is now. i have some minor inspiration for an AMV that will remain top secret but rest assured ill post it when i make it! i also have been getting a lot better at playing headacche on the guitar. i finished guitar practice today for the first time in a week or so and was really satisfied with how i sounded. i am really scared of how much i dont know about music, but shouldnt that excite me? im worried im missing some glaring things but in reality not a lot of that matters if im not recording this or performing this, and even if it did ive been to enough gigs with dogshit bands where i still had fun... idk. im pulling the teeth out of that fear rn actually. live, in front of you. do you hear the beast howling?? im down to two cigs left. hope i quit fr this time. wish me luck &heartss