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im 17 and playing guitar. im 30something and im playing guitar. im playing guitar. IM LEARNING GUITAR!! im actually so fucking stoked about this and i cant thank the doll enough for lending me its instruments and teaching me some of the basics. its been a couple months now and i can kinda cover three songs and the burning in my fingers feels like progress that ive been craving for years. bestie wants me to make music with them. i want to learn to write songs. i am perhaps the most inspired musically i have ever been, and i truly never thought this would be the avenue, i was positive i would be tinkering in a daw well before i touched a physical instrument. it feels really really niccee. i need to cherish this while its here honestly! i find learning scales kind of obtuse and boring but i know i need to eat my guitar vegetables instead of just bashing my head against a bunch of tabs like i have been. one of the songs ive been learning is headache by grouper and i am grateful to liz harris for using such a weird and somber tuning. i find it really haunting and inspiring. i think when i start writing that might be the tuning i use.

i also made an amv recently. its here, if you want to look. but i assume if you are here reading this, you probably already have lol. i got a lot of gas after i put it out and i think i intend to keep making them but i need to find some inspiration to really do it. ive got this insatiable appetite for creation lately which is pretty uncharacteristic of me, but i think that means im doing better than i have beeen? i could also be manic, i have a rheumatology appointment tomorrow that i am quite reasonably stressed about. since we last talked i actually got some bloodwork done that indicates i probably have lupus! tomorrow im following up on the referral from that bloodwork. im pretty anxious about it - i dont really trust doctors not to fuck me anymore. i dont know if i should go to this appointment looking nice and trying to present myself to this doctor in a way that doesnt produce abject disgust, or if i should go looking shitty because it indicates my ability is lower. its such a dumb fucking game to have to play and i think all doctors should consider putting a handgun in their mouth and flirting with the trigger if they ever find themselves doubting theeir fucking patients. the appetite to create extends beyond things that i can access and do normally. i really fucking miss cooking. the time i spent cooking from teenage years until i was like 25 was so so important to me. i really liked feeling like i was competent in my field and that i was reliable. i liked having coworkers ask me for help or taking on extra projects because i was efficient and talented enough to do so. especially early transition that made me feel like, valued. divorced from the coercive forcee of capital i think cooking really was my calling. i wish it was more accessible to me now. there are so many chinese recipees that i want to cook and i vascillate between wanting to throw myself at it until i hit fatigue and not wanting to touch kitchen equipment at all lest it evoke a deep and uncurable sadness. that might be one of the most painful parts about disability so far, is losing the ability to perform this thing that i was reeally proud of, that was a creeative outlet, and that was also a source of incomee. enough whining though i should just suck it up and make mapo tofu. unrelated i been eating natto lately and its beeen making my piss stink like nattokinase. if anyones into that. im more of a holding my piss girl than a piss-enjoying girl though. much love to the piss enjoyers its cool that theres girls that would suck the post-piss leakage out of my panties eagerly. to check in with you, ive been emotionally kind of devastated and lost. i feel like a broken vase swept under a rug in a cartoon. i feel gone. i feel like i dont matter until i thrash and scream. i hate my landlord and the west and resent that i am under their thumbs. i hate doctors. my usual propencity for having crushes and gushing into people's dms has all but withered. im a husk. i been smoking a lot. someone was murdered at my favorite pier and i havent been back since. before that, there was a bunch of vandlism on pro-queer art and the area has felt kind of tainted. maybe this summer i take up space at the beach. [narrator's note - see how she flips her fears into desires - her simple trick to dodge the mire of awful brain poison she so often imbibes...] i want to be coveted and pined after. i want more arm tattoos. i want three helix rings on my left ear. i want to give an older dyke head in a public bathroom stall. i want to be forced to piss myself. i want to ghostwrite something that defines a new genre. i want to dj for a room full of transexuals. i want to hike again. i want to see my little sister's eyes light up when i teach her about rocks. i want to see her eyes light up when i pummel her. i want to get smarter. i want to refine my talents. i want to be taken seriously and i want to have fun. is that so fucked? lock me up. damn. otherwise, earl and MIKE just dropped a new project with surf gang. i like it a lot so far, but have only listened oncee! its huge. bladee dropped an insect style track thats the first thing ive fucked with in a while. i also recently tapped in to some other vocaloid shit i found while diggin called namitape. flitter goes insane. ALSO okay one more music link lol - stumbled on this emo band from eecuador called razones para odiar and i fuck with it HEAVY. i been watching monogatari with my family and its gripped me in a way no anime has yet done beforee. go figure lmao. being compared to senjougahara is one of the worst things thats ever happened to my ego. i need to inflate it more until peeople are willingly offering up the kiss-shot comparisons. recently i watched a couple movies by japanese director kiyoshi kurosawa. hes got a masterful tone for horror. i beeen playing an ugly, obtuse mmo to sate my online game desires called project gorgon. its got a lot of old mmo design choices that force ppl to interact. my sister is a bunny. its very cute to play alongside her while she rips crazy binkies and casts ice magic. pchew >:D ive also been watching big dog play elden ring and its been really fun coaching them and watching them grow and progress. in a fit of indulgeence, i also started a skyrim playthrough which has been very satisfying to the moody girl that sometimes inhabits me. typically i dont fuck with deftones but this and some skyrim being edgy as shit? fucking lol yeah alright kid have at it. in the quiet hours of the deepest night, i read. its jakarta method by vincent bevins right now, and its harrowing. this country towers over any other in terms of atrocity. i really should pivot to something lighthearted but i feel like i get all of my junk food through gaming and youtube and such. maybe im thinking about that in a too-restrictive way actually. i wanna read a nice book. recommend me one if ur reading this smileee &heartss.