...

im like barely able to sit in my chair rn because of how fuckin bad my hips hurt but for once im taking it as a sign that im doing something right lol~ :slight_smile: went to a smash tourney with the doll today and didn't really have to motivate myself to leave which is a feeling that ive missed! idk what put me there but maybe im healing.. i didnt really speak to anyone much. i got reintroduced to two people who both forgor who i was and it was the dolls first time back to the weekly in a while so overall very lightly social. interacted more with the bartender and doorman if im being honest. i read some yuri while the doll played other tgirls in friendlies and then watched it compete and place 7th for the first time!! top 8!! so happy for it, it was cheesed too ahahaha. honestly pulling up to the tgirl-dense event and just chilling no expectations was really nice. i got asked what i was reading by a stranger who promptly told me she had read it and then walked away. strange interaction! the doll kicked her ass in the bracket though (it was her first time :p ). the time i spent not reading or watching the doll was spent chewing through toothpicks and daydreaming about fucking raw in the bathroom stall and then smoking a cig. mechanically troublesome to get laid in the stall but damn if we didnt try. saw some funny little tags too ehehe. came home and ate yummys and chilled big and had sex and somehow didnt fall asleep.

ohhh thats right. im smoking cigs again. briefly. i bummed one to my neighbor who came out while i was smoking and told her its my "dont do it" pack. big dog got me a pack last week because i was deeply suicidal again. my partners both assure me im doing better than i was, and i think i agree, but even without work i feel laid out and hopeless sometimes. i guess its happening less often and im not as constantly close to threshhold though.the cigs are a nice treat, despite feeling like each one is going to give me a heart attack like my coworker at the coop. im always thinking about him when i smoke and i never even really got to know him - just one blunt interaction outside where he told me he was quitting bc he had a heart attack while smoking a cig and reading. i got risk factors and cant help but sprout compulsive thoughts about most medical shit so i guess it stuck with me. grateful im typing this rn and grateful for the shorted marb red on my back windowsill that im gonna enjoy in the morning. having my own pack on me in my bag while reading yuri felt pretty peam idk what else to say about it lmao i cant even begin to conjure up the miasma that plagued me last week and i think my mom had something to do with it but largely im just glad im past it for now and that its kinda vague for me. i didnt process much of it so i am a tad worried its ognna sneak up on me but im soooo stupid and brave. im just gonna keep moving. im gonna hold onto stuff like going to the beach with my bestie last week and playing kendama and sitting in the grass and sharing a cig and enjoying a treat and gossiping a bit. if i hold on to that i think ill be ok!! i felt special they took me on a 7-11 and beach date!! aaaaaa! i also had some friends move here recently, some from wisco and some from texas. made them cheesecakes with bestie and also soup and delivered it and really savored people complimenting the food. it really means a lot to me that folks still believe i can cook bc i think i often dont. i hope these new arrivals become friends who i can trust with my health and moreso with my... everything... ive been on edge and as a result that has made handling guild business a bit tense but im like healing and getting better. im getting to know a lot of the members more and am making new friends that i hope stick around. im finally pushing past my people pleasing bs and committing to playing something i want vs something good for the group and i have some folks around me who have encouraged me to do so so im glad to have them in. aside from the rest of that, there was a tgirl who joined a couple days ago who brought with her a fucking army of suspiciously normie also (cis???) people who are "allies" into the guild and the doll and i let it happen. tentatively nervous about it. i kinda strongarmed one of them into changing her discord bio to not be cunty about "UwU girls" and she like. listened? it was weird. weird time. this game incites a weirdness in some people i s2g. thinking about creature and her propensity for finding weird as fuck and also mean/dubious women!! and how that has bit me more than once now!! what the hell dude lmfao arite dolls, games and sadness aside ive been listening to some fuckin music lately. i couldn't stop hitting the new earl album and i think this is probably a common experience. its a short one but sooooo fucking good. im sure everyone is talking about the god damn love song he wrote but fuck its so sweet. reverberating the experience of growing up with this dude and watching his trajectory and just being sooooo so happy for him. yay ^_^ i also cant stop listening to star fell on trench by quinn. i keep peeling back its layers and its really stirring me. that and one of the singles she dropped recently with feardorian which ive been literally waking up to it being stuck in my head. cinematic vid too soooo sick. other than that, a pick from a music league that a friend was hosting - greenhouse - arc.regn. listen to it all if you're not a fucking pussy and then come talk to me about it so i know you're reading my website. fuckers o,.,o (its an emoticon with fangs. see!) im close to done with invisible lives and the group reading is going good. hella nonfic on the shelf including some pretty useful manuals on REDACTED POLITICAL AFFILIATION and some grim as fuck accounts of shit that happened to REDACTED POLITICAL AFFILIATION TYPE PPL. luckily tho my new friends dropped off some fiction for me that isnt VNs or manga or anything. gonna be reading some leguin soon and cant wait to chat abt it once i crack it open. games wise its just wow but i have admittedly been daydreaming about dark souls and dark souls 3 and dragons dogma. always spinning some sort of stinky girl in my head. last week the phrase "elf milf rainforest bush" couldn't leave my head. what's it smell like under a full suit of armor after a long battle, yknow?