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the other night i was feeling sore. i had already taken naproxen and was still kinda in hell abt it and i took some RSO on top of that, but not at a dose thats ever really fucked me before. i kinda forgot abt it and let it digest and for a while was having a very very nice time. fucking n laughing n indulging for like a cpl hours until i really started to feel out of it. everyone else was asleep and my neck felt inccredibly stiff so i went 2 shower bc of how that tends to ease me when i feel fucked up. after a while in there i was sooooooooo uncomfortable. i was hearing music that wasnt playing, a very gentle new age kind of sound that felt uncanny and kind of upsetting to be hearing. i was also repeatedly getting hit with waves of nausea. when i got out of the shower to go lay down i was having trouble standing and my hips started to ache and shake like they have a couple times before in teh past. i couldnt really even get dressed i just kinda threw myself into bed and laid there shaking for a little until i started to scare myself by not being able to calm down the tremor. i woke up b and they comforted me as best as they could by like listening to me and getting me water n fruit in hopes of getting some potassium in me. i had tremors in my hips and legs and arms for like. two hours? i guess? it got so painful that all i could do was panic and it was really scary because the hwole time i was really struggling to think, beyond what felt like "too high". near the end of it i also experienced some visual hallucinations that felt a little too keenly patterened to remind me of someone and something i didnt want to be thinking about in such a state. i think i probably have some sort of neurological thing going on, it seemed like a seizure... idk. thats been kinda haunting me. im either thinking about that or glued to the sensations in my gums and mouth and cheek these past few days. im admittedly in a doomy sort of headspace as i write this bc of the overwhelming medical anxiety and boredom and the low estrogen and the pain and discomfort. i spent most of today hiding away in the bedrooms so as not to pollute the vibe but had a few things that forced me to be out and interacting with the house. it felt bad. i snapped at them and didnt really have the patience to play along with anything. it felt bad! showering by myself was the only thing that even got me close to feeling motivated, which is how i ended up writing a journal entry.

i think ive been feeling a desire to be seen lately. ive felt more social, more confident, more willing to participate in online chats. i also think i want to be desired in a way that makes me feel like shy and bashful and... deameaned and useful... i texted a number on a flyer from a telephone pole and ended up kinda sexting with someone who i only understand to be "not a cis man". its a thing that im maybe throwing myself at with a bit of reckl4ess abandon but i think i just need to get fucked in a way that comes close to self harm to churn the engine. idk how close to the line i can get with that lmao >.> at least i have some potential friends who etiher just moved or are moving close in the city to me and am getting warmer to the idea of going out when my body permits which is rare (pauinful. haha.). i had to bail on a girls rituals show which really kinda took the piss outta me but bestie has been keeping me motivated by keeping my dms full of fliers so itll happen. i should keep my doggy fuckin nose up. i cooked last week AND drank AND realized some wants that i have that i cant really articulate quite yet! lol fucker wait actually i might be so back... we'll c. it took some crazy forcing to even recognize the goods enough to write them down i need to run a lap i feel bonkers i been reading invisible lives: the erasure of trannsexual and transgendered people by viviane k namaste out loud with b lately. its been really helpful in helping me articulate some things i felt at odds with wrt "queer studies" and how trans ppl are treated in sociological, ethnographic, and psychological studies. looking forward to getting further in smilee. ive also been playing a bit of armored core 6 and dragons dogma just to tide me over until server launch, but neither can really scratch the itch i need. god i mean like i said it earlier but sometimes a bitch just needs to grind.