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busted up about some fuckass "i know i dont wanna see where this goes, i can only do things that are evil and gross" lyric!! im making plans and sweating about them!! ive got knives to sharpen and boots to clean and toys to fuckin play. im hoping i get to dip out on something awful and sub smth great later this week but its tbd. if i get bodied by my pain outta nowhere im gonna scream. if i get bodied by anxiety ill thrash idgaf ill take a hydroxy n get overrrrit (panting, lmfao). im nonstop chewing toothpicks again lately and keep inching my toes toward the corner store, or like.. any gas station to buy a pack or like a fkn black and mild or SOMETHING. today i rode with doll to pick up a bike and gnashed thru the last of my box bc i couldnt handle being in the fkn car ^_^ aha... i also fully pulled my own ass out of the pit it was slipping into and like stayed grounded enough 2 come home and help everyone refine our living space. it feels fitting to attend to that rn bc according to a friend the wheel just turned or something like that. i felt it, i think! not necessarily in an esoteric way but there was certainly a lot of upheaval and change like even in my own processing. i wanna sink my teeth into that and maybe use it as motivation to change the way i moveee. sm younger girlies have been gassed about doing something similar and im feeling really inspired :, ) im really proud of the dog who just moved out of her shitty partner's parents' house. im really really really proud of her for making it out there and im grateful she had help. im proud of the doll who reunited with her sister. im proud of the dog who's been finding value in herself and showing her confidence with a raised tail. i think im also like... surprised that these girls think of me enough to keep me in the loop. i guess i need to lay shit out b4 me more often bc even just this is enough to make me a lil weepy andhearts

launch day soon :p i cant really tell what itll look like for me but i think mostly i wanna keep one foot irl. outside. and with the very important ones close to me - and then ofc the other in game/digital. its a joy to be back in a familiar place with game (which starts very soon and brings along a frenzy of busybody shit and activity and socialization :D) and having a social group to match it but frankly ive been yearning for a bit mroe outside of that! idk what exactly it can look like but i think now while i have something comfortable i can use the time irl, away from it to develop on that and maybe brainstorm a bit here in this journal and elsewhere. i saw a patty taxon post abt art today that has been sitting wtih me in regards to what i wanna be doing and it went something along the lines of "rip off ur fav artist when ur new bc you lack the technical skills to actually do that and it might come out completely diff" and while idk that thats EXACTLY what i wanna do i think i can start documenting who i really am inspired by. i think i can tie a lot of this to who i am digitally bc alr it feels like such a chimera owo i think this is in part why i avoided having an online life when i was younger, it felt too hard to maintain both. anyway dovetailing my worlds together is possible ive done it before i can do it again maybe just this time with more agency :) ur along for the ride for now ehehe i been listening to Duma n BLP Kosher n Beth Sawlts n most recently tn checking out some ppl adjacent to fakemink like EsDeeKid and Rico Ace. the latter boys rly have a sort of proc fiscal uHazsh music video thing going on. im not evven fujoing out i just think itd be cute if they scootered together and maybe rawwed in a parking complex surrounded by their closest friends andheartsss well wishes u kno? i been reading a lesbian photo album from the fag library with b a bit and also picked up invisible lives by viviane k namaste. no shot will i get to that one before the renewals are up. this means i can return the photo album book and maybeeee see that old dyke again when i renew invisible lives ehehehe >:) i wanna maybe see what it takes to end up there myself??? thats so paragraph 2 tho i cba to expand on that rn. im tryna wrap it up!!!